Changes

“The moon wants to kiss the vast ocean. A withered dandelion dreamed to be a fully blossomed sunflower. The pungent tamarind desires to taste like saccharine watermelon. A little too ambitious, they might say. But all I saw was courage. The courage to embrace the impossible things and crave for a new beginning”

Uncloaked Motive

“I woke up with throbbing cacophony of uncertainties in my head. I opened my eyes with blizzard of answered questions and yet still, it gives me a heartbreaking demands of altruism. My soul was beaten from dishonest claims and unchaste justifications. I saw all the mysteries, so dark and confining, but then again I averted my views and tried to picture a different perspective. You asked for trust, and so I forgot that the word carries lot of weight and has been overly misuse. My lips are sore and halfway open, a little bit irrational, ’twas tormented  in a night of fallacies and misguided behaviour. With all honesty, what you did, just made me again reminisce the previous path I once walked through, a dark abyss, shrouding with blackness, selfishness, conceited betrayal and suffocating guilt — I loathe it. True enough, I felt a feeling I never felt for years but I will never be besotted by your ghastly gesture and steadfast preamble”

Single Mom’s Creed

I, as your parent, I am preparing myself to be strong and stiff to face each and every storms or hurricane before it may come near your fingertips. I might be continually tempted to lower my guard and I cannot guarantee until when I can hold you in my arms — as if I can protect you from people’s stone of judgment. I must admit, I do have lots of reservations and it might seem that I’m groping a switch that can lit up my way into becoming a mother I envision myself to be and a mom that you can be proud of. I know I can do it, and just in case I will fail, I’ll rise up again for you ‘coz you’re worth whatever chaos life can bring to the table. God sent you in my life to give me someone that is worth fighting for. To prove and show that I’m still capable of love and love really do still exist. It may be selfish as it may sound to be but you are mine anak. I will never let anyone take you away from me. I’ll keep you locked up in my embrace to protect you from people who see you as succulent fruit that needs to be juiced. Though I know that I still need to prepare you from dirty streets of life — in this is just a matter of time. So now, let me play with your chubby cheeks and smother it with my kisses, let me put you to sleep in my chest and rub your back as if I’m telling you that Mommy’s got your back and everything’s gonna be okay, and let me toss you up in the air for you to have full perspective of life that can set you far and beyond. I love you my dearest Watermelon😘🍉

Unsent letter

I may have shown you that side of me that I normally don’t display to other people. Those moments, I thought I was on my strongest , I’m pretending to be strong maybe with all the adversity  that’s happening in my life but I was so wrong. Lately, I realize those times that I was trying to be strong, I was on my weakest. You know why? ‘Coz I let those troubles eat me. I let those enigma over power my morale. I forgot who I was. I broke some of my personal rules that I made for myself. I was not myself. That was not me or maybe ,’ twas me, an alter-ego of me. The me who need to break free from all these shitload. The me who long for comfort in times that my world is on the midst of falling apart. The me who somehow plead for some attention who will give a damn that I am not okay.  The me who demand some reminders that I am still a human and I am subjected to pain and failures. I don’t know. Even with all these pretext that I tried to paraphrase for several times, trying to muster all the appropriate words to justify my behavior. I know, it was wrong. No such excuses can compensate to the pain I might inflected to her and to a self-doubt that latching on me. I am not trying to make the biggest cover up for my actions but it’s true, up untill this moment, I am trying to collect answer to the question “why did I do what I did”.

For someone who’s proud, I was a fool. But there’s a thing along the way I enjoyed and not just by bit.  A bit of mistake, a bit of risk, a bit of temptation, a bit lies, a bit of bad that made it so right. And for a while I was happy. I wanted some of it to be part of me, and that includes you.  I wanted what it is and what it’s not. I found warmth in your lies and alibis. I found comfort in those  disdained ventures   nand joy in those comforting scenery. I got addicted. I fell in love with the moments. Those long drives. Those starry nights. Those wee hour shots. Those unfamiliar places. The 3pm talk. The escape. It might be a stupid dilemma, but I don’t see anything wrong with it. True enough, there’s nothing wrong with it. You know what’s wrong? You. Because it has you in it.

Was it worth it? Not pretty sure how many times I asked you this question and with such conviction, you answered yes. With all honesty, I just don’t get it. You already had a Queen in your cards yet manage to gamble everything you have knowing that you have a high probability of losing. I don’t have a hundred by percent assurance ’bout the reason why you put yourself in this mudpit that might cover you whole. With all those caution tapes that surrounds me, you manage to by pass all the red flickers. Maybe, that’s it, you find it very challenging to fix a broken maiden. You find it entertaining to unveil all the secrets that lies on that saccharine smile and those gloomy eyes. Whatever the reason you have, it always end up, me blaming myself. I should see the frail transition on how you treated me. I should notice the hidden text inside those late night messages. I should sense the undeliver invite between your self claimed favor. I should have been more alerted with the unexpected care that you to gave even if its not addressed. Maybe I did saw that coming, but I averted my eyes. I overlook all the warning sign and that’s my bad.

After all that happened, we are such guilty of twisting the truth, an understanding not to tell a soul. Not to tell a single word that I let you break inside those walls that I built for years. Not to tell who holds you that you held me and you let go af her  without  her knowing that you already had. ‘Twas a very bold move, so treacherous, full of deception. I don’t know if it’s natural for you but tbh, it swept me away. It swept me away discarding the fact that you have your ownership. I let the moment took over. Now the pangs of conscience is  consuming me. Slowly, penetrating knowing that I’ve done her wrong and I have given life  to an act of obscenity and or atrocity.

Now, you have guts to tell me that you loved me, huh?!, Maybe it wasn’t love after all. Maybe that’s not really the exact words to describe whatever feelings that overflow when your entity touches mine. Maybe it was just two uncertain soul who found each other, had a great time and at the end of day, they have to bid goodbyes. I just don’t have such feeling to give anymore. You are the late night promises that can’t keep ’till morning. And if you did loved me, exactly how your lips try to verbalize those words, you know that I don’t deserve this. And if, you still don’t realize it by yourself, I am telling you now. I don’t deserve the angst that you’ve thrown on me.

For the last time, I am telling you this, you do not have a right to inflect self doubt on someone. No one deserves to be treated like an option nor a last resort. Nobody deserves to sleep at night thinking why she’s not enough. If you wanna cheat, then cheat no excuses. Just don’t use someone as a scapegoat. Value what you have and try to weigh what is it worth  and what it’s not. Be a man, ‘coz last time I check you are not really acting like one.

Dear, you are the past I chose to omit yet you are the answer to my what ifs.

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